Saturday, November 23, 2013

Birth Plan, Grandmultipara Style

It will come as no great surprise to most people who know me well that I have limited use for a "birth plan" in a traditional sense.  At some point, I think you either trust and mesh well with your provider or you don't, but a plan for what you might need or not need for a medical event you can't predict seems of decidedly little utility. 

That said, I may not enjoy birth plans, but I do enjoy satire.  :D  So, here is our family centered, family created birth plan for the arrival of Agent 007.  Written in mad-lib style, composed by Yours Truly.  Oh, and with preamble, because why not?

From:  The Perpetually Pregnant Papist and Gil, Agent 007 (in role of both fetus and neonate), and THE KRAKEN playing the part of “placenta”

When in the Course of human gestation, it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the umbilical ties which have connected her to another, and to assume among the powers of the Earth Mother the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle her, a decent respect to the opinions of medical personnel requires that she should declare the manner in which such separation is desired to take effect, including but not limited to music, costuming, choreography and the precise degree of cuteness which is to be expected from our esteemed offspring.

Birth Plan

We have chosen to give birth at the _GameStop__ (place) at XXXXXXXXX’s hospital because of their outstanding facility and great staff.  We are requesting your help to ___chisel___ (verb) our goals and have a happy,      smelly       (adj) birth.  That said, the Anesthesiologist is still and always will be our favorite.  Sorry! 

In the event of complications, we will give our       green      (adj) cooperation after an informed discussion with the doctor and private consideration between mother, father, our Medical Astrologer, and       Napoleon    (famous person), consulting both the Thinking Woman’s Guide to a __Short___ (adj) Birth and __The Magna Carta_ (famous document).

First  Chainsaw (noun) of Labor:

Those to be present at all times at the labor and birth: Gil (the person whose ___piano_ (noun) this is), the Anesthesiologist, and _Bob of Big Pharma____ (person.)
I would like to _jump__ (verb) at home as _deftly__ (adverb) as possible and request the option to go _Milwaukee__ (place)  if I arrive at less than _2 1/2__ (number) cm dilated.
I would like to have my birthing     hammer  _ (object)  and __bon bons___  (luxury good) and request to have showers for pain relief when desired.
If TV is deemed necessary, we will be catching up on episodes of __X-Files_ (TV show).  No spoilers, please.
Please no internal fetal monitoring unless    Pluto         (planet) is in retrograde.
Internal exams only upon consent and as _intergalactic__ (adj) as possible to avoid rupture of __table_ (noun).
Please no pitocin or breaking of __mercury___ (liquid) unless deemed medically necessary.
No analgesia or anesthesia that is GMO unless _spry__ (adj).
The epidural line should be held in place by unbleached, organic, fair trade, _laundry basket__ (noun) free medical tape.
Freedom to move and _howl_ (verb) during labor.
I would prefer no hospital gown – I will bring one from home.
_Clumsy__ (adj)  birthing room, no _gross_ (adj) staff please.

Birth of 007, Arrival of THE KRAKEN :

Choice of _iPhone_ (noun) for pushing; please no _books__ (noun).
__The Prophet Elijah_ (person) chooses when to push.
Please place baby on mother’s abdomen after birth, unless __wood__ (noun) is necessary.
Cord to be cut by _Gandhi__ (person) using _impact driver_ (tool), after pulsing stops.
_Crazily__ (adv) yell “RELEASE THE KRAKEN” immediately to help encourage a gentle birth of the placenta.
Keep lights _chartreuse_ (adj).
We prefer that our baby be cute.  If he is less cute than expected, please report this to VAERS as _warily_ (adverb) as possible

After party:

Newborn to stay with _gypsies__ (people) at all times; no nursery visits, please
Please delay all routine exams for _1 year_ (length of time) to allow for bonding time.
We would like video, audio and photographic footage of Hepatitis B immunization, and request immunization within _e_ (number) minutes of birth. 
Please perform all _cold_ (adj) exams and procedures in room with parents.
If warming is needed, baby is to be placed on mother’s chest with blankets made from organic _satin_ (type of fabric) made by _ The Pegasus_ (mythical creature).
Breastfeeding only: no bottles, pacifiers, artificial _banks_ (noun), formula, or _eggnog_ (beverage)
Father to _sing to_ (verb) baby and mother at all times

We thank you in advance for your support and kind attention to our choices. We look forward to a _smooth_ (adj) birth.








  1. So I just have to throw out these bottles full of pumpkin-flavored eggnog I already made up to bring to the hospital? *grumble*

  2. Your humor is as full and interesting as your household! Lucky the nurses at 'GameStop' that get you for a client on the day of your happy and 'smelly' birth.